From Happiness to Joy, (by Martin)

Hello friends!
I just want to post something that Martin shared last week at our church. He began yesterday another round of arsenic treatment for 10 days, so please continue to pray for Him. Sorry this isn't translated into Czech- we're working on it. sending lots of love from the Hasik family-

From Happiness to Joy

(by Martin Hasik, May 26th, Faith Community Church, Prague)

I used to share about my life in two parts - first part was time before my decision to follow Christ and the second was after I made that decision. In our family we NOW talk about our life in years BC - Before Cancer, and life AD - After Diagnosis.

I am passionate about life. I like action. I like to experiment, I like to bring people together. I want to live a full life. Someone posted this on fb.

“Subject to change without notice”. That’s what I experienced. This is what we experienced as a family over the last 18 months. But I am not here to worship life, I am standing here to give a testimony of how God changed my life without notice and made me the happiest, that I have ever been in my entire life. Before I go on to tell you more, I have a reason to present a disclaimer for what I am about to share with you:

My story is nontransferable. It is an unique, special way of God dealing with me.

So far there is no need for a bone marrow transplant. I received only 16 chemotherapies, swallowed only 4000 pills, 9 liters (over 2 gallons) of poisonous arsenic was pumped into my body, experienced only hours long moments of pain, that were either temporary manageable or treatable with pills, the surprising relapse was detected at the beginning stage and I reached remission in 50 days. It might sound crazy to you, but in my world, I am like a bench warmer on the sideline compared to those who fight for their life. Please, remember at any point, that I am speaking of things that have happened over a period of 18 months and usually it was after they happened that I got to understand the lesson God wanted me to learn.

“God doesn’t heal the body without healing the soul” truly touches on my situation. More than my body, it was my soul that was in need of a healing. The diagnosis of leukemia came as an answer to a prayer. The elders of our Czech church in Prague 13 came to pray and anoint me with oil as my toothache was getting worse and so were the side effects of the pills I was taking to soothe the pain. They prayed for me and then they left. Two days later, I get the most shocking answer to a prayer I have ever experienced so far. But it was good news!! One of the strangest things about leukemia that makes it for such a deadly threat to most people is that it is not detected in time. The right diagnosis at the right time means my life was spared.

I used to live a happy Christian life. My circumstances were ideal. In a way, they were almost too perfect and it was easy to have FULL LIFE as an idol, because everything was working the way I wanted it. There is a difference between full life meaning rich on experiences, excitement, business and life that Jesus talks about in the gospel of John.  I am not immune to sin. There are invisible things that I see now that God made visible by taking them away from me.  Some of you met me as the Young Life guy. I was passionate about being on a team that shares the Gospel with teenagers. The busier I was, the more of my identity I found in my work. I would take pride in knowing how to make things happen. Give me a project, give me no money (world of non profits), if possible let me know about it last minute and- oh by the way, results were expected already yesterday! If I understand the purpose and buy into the vision, I will make it happen. Seize the opportunity, make your name and capability visible and the promotion is just a phone call away. But is that really how God grows our faith and trust in Him? It doesn’t matter if you lead just yourself, or a family, or a team at work or in a ministry, the question always is HOW do you lead. Do you lead out of obedience to God or do lead out of your own strength?

I found out that I have a few things in common with the hot headed Jewish youngster named MOSES. Read Exodus 2:10-15:   

10 When the child grew up, she brought him to Pharaoh's daughter, and he became her son. She named him Moses, "Because," she said, "I drew him out of the water."

11 One day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his people and looked on their burdens, and he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his people.

12 He looked this way and that, and seeing no one, he struck down the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.

13 When he went out the next day, behold, two Hebrews were struggling together. And he said to the man in the wrong, "Why do you strike your companion?"

14 He answered, "Who made you a prince and a judge over us? Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?" Then Moses was afraid, and thought, "Surely the thing is known."

15 When Pharaoh heard of it, he sought to kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh and stayed in the land of Midian. And he sat down by a well.

I don’t like that by turning the page we learn the rest of the story. Imagine for a moment you have not heard anything else about Moses. The picture here is pretty clear. He lives in the richest family in the land, not lacking anything, enjoying his privileged life, aware of his heritage, maybe even feeling sorry for his fellow Hebrews who are in slavery. He comes down from the palace to see them. Is he coming to check on them or to even help them out? Well, if he does, here is a chance to show how much he doesn’t like the circumstances of his brothers. My brother is in trouble, no one around, lets sort this out here and now.

It doesn’t seem to me that there is a trace of shame or guilt in Moses. He goes out the very next day. Is he expecting a pat on the back, a little appreciation and or an invitation to be their leader?  His pride and ego gets a big hit. Instead of appreciation, his brothers’ fear, what else is he capable of. They ask him ‘Who do you think you are? Will you kill us, too? Oh we know.. Everyone knows. And you better not cross paths with Pharaoh, because he knows and wants you dead.’ Is that the end of Moses’ happy life?

So Moses flees. ‘Forget the Hebrews, I was trying to help, now I am in trouble’. As he comes to a new place, where they don’t know him, he is Mr. Nice again. He comes and protects 7 sisters, who are at the local water source being mistreated by the stronger shepherds . As he helps others, he is being helped to. He settles in a new place and the past is the past.

As I said, Moses and I have a couple of things in common.

*Life circumstances are making our lives happy ones, full of relationships, rich on experiences, enjoying wealth and privileges. (For some perspective on just how wealthy you are, look at www.globalrichlist.com - 18.000CZK/month means top 10% of the richest people in the world. “Only” 40.000 CZK/month you are in the 1% of the richest people on earth!!!! )

*In our nature, we are not sorry for what we do, we are sorry for being caught.

*We like quick and final problem solving. Get rid of what’s in the way, lets move on.

*We serve the same God. As much as Moses and I would like to forget things of the past by running away from them, we serve God who made our life work in such a way that we can be forgiven, but things will not be forgotten.

*Until March 17th, 2013, I thought Moses was a murderer and I was not. Unlike Moses, I didn’t kill anyone. At least that’s what I thought until I heard Pastor Jake’s preaching on the commandment, ‘Do not murder’. (http://www.faithcommunity.cz/worship/sermons/).

I knew I wasn’t perfect, but that preaching hit me pretty hard. So NOW we share that too! Thanks Pastor Jake.

Moses got 40 years on a farm, before God invites him back. I am only 18 months into that. Long way to go.. Unfortunately, patience is not my virtue.

Maybe its because I didn’t spend too much time thinking about the big WHY? or WHY ME? questions, that I started to  pay attention to how God wanted to interact with me in a new way, that I have not experienced before. Not that God changed anything about Him, it was me who was in a different place. Trust me when I say, that I didn’t want to leave my happy life so easily. God was very patient with me, I believe even entertained and smiling as it took me another year of trying in all my limited strength to try to get my “happy” life back. I am the weaker part of our relationship and so in His Wisdom, He moves at my pace. Every month in 2012 I came to my doctor, asking him when I can go back to work. Work is what I know, it is my identity and so it makes sense that I want it back. That will make me happy.  And the answer was NO. Not yet. Even though I was on a sick leave, I still tried to do as much as possible, be available, initiate ideas and projects, have as much from my old life back, my old circumstances remind me of the old “NORMAL”. I can fight this, but give me my happy life back.

One of my friends, sent me this little book called, ‘Thy will be done.’ I got it right before my relapse in Nov 2012. It is a collection of short, but deep devotions for sick people written by two Blumhardts, father and his son, both German pastors living and serving to people from a couple generations ago. Listen to this part:

For my part, I now no longer feel it necessary to intercede in some special way for the health of others. I will still pray, but the most important thing I want to pray for is that something of God’s kingdom breaks in. Our fellowship is not based on whether or not God heals us physically. No, we come together because we rejoice in the Savior and the unfolding of his kingdom. This is what we live for, and for this we are willing to give up everything. Whoever seeks God’s kingdom first and foremost will receive everything he truly needs. When we intercede for others, we should keep our eyes on the kingdom of God, in complete joy and trust, thinking not of ourselves but of the interests of Jesus Christ. We need to stop coming to God for help for merely outer needs. Again, our fellowship is far more important in God’s eyes and far more precious than anything we might hope to gain through intercession (1 John 1:1–4). Healing is one thing, but what the Savior wants is to rule more freely among us.

If I was to say the same thing, it would take me 20 min. In my “happy life” BC, i prayed a lot, maybe even merely, for the outer needs. Prayers answered, relationships going well, projects done, things crossed off the list - happy life. Happy life is addicting. How could I miss that the I was placing more importance on the GIFTS I was receiving more than the GIVER? How much was I open to the “INTERESTS OF JESUS CHRIST”?

It wasn’t until the time of treatment after the relapse, that I realized that God wanted to do something in me and I was not listening. I wanted to beat the beast in my own strength. Can you believe that as I am pondering these things, God uses Pastor Blumhardts devotions to touch my heart again using Isaiah 30:15:

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. 

Israel as a nation was in a similar experience. They found themselves occupied by a military beast, much stronger than themselves. Not good circumstances. Not a happy life. God used a prophet Isaiah to give Israel the perfect strategy for this particular fight. If they obey, they will neither win nor lose, but they will be saved. IF in a war, don’t you want to make it out alive? I want to make it out of my battle alive. Ok God, here I am, what do you want from me?

Remember Moses. He enters the Hebrew-Egyptian conflict two times. The first time, he was driven by his own strength and it didn’t end up well. The second time he gets in the middle of it, he enters it as a man drawn to God and he becomes a true hero who leads Israel out of Egypt.  But at that point, it was no longer about him. It was about God.

Recently, God has opened my eyes to things that were not visible to me before. It is like a spiritual “detox.” Something is in your system and it needs to be out. And something else that is outside needs to come in.

I am starting to experience the words of Jim Elliot: He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain, what he cannot loose.

I don’t have any way to know, if and when the one bad cell that might be hiding somewhere in my body will cause another relapse.  God has not spoken to me from a burning bush. We are lucky to read about the end of Moses life. I can’t take his story and make it mine. God gave us another story in the Bible and to that I can relate much better.

Do you remember reading in your Bible about Mephibosheth?

King Saul had a son, Jonathan, who was the later king David’s best friend. Mephibosheth is Jonathan’s son. As a 5 year-old boy, he is dropped by his nanny and becomes crippled for the rest of his life. And that was just the beginning of his life. The family mess gets pretty ugly.

Many years later comes a day, when King David restores Mephibosheth’s royal status by opening his palace to him and giving him a seat at the King’s table. There is crippled man at the King’s table! In this story I find more comfort and joy.

I, a crippled broken and sick man, am invited by God to share an intimate relationship with Him. The family meal is the Lord’s Supper. But I get to sit at the Kings table. It is by His love and mercy i get to experience it. I only responded YES, when the messenger came.

But do you see one difference in Mephibosheths life compared to Moses?  Mephibosheths legs were not restored, there is not a physical happy ending. He is a crippled man, but enjoying a place at the kings table. He is my new hero. He taught me that happy ending is not in restored legs, but in sitting at the Kings table. In no way am I entitled to get better.

Last 6 months I am on a journey, that still leads thru a valley, but despite the circumstances, I am experiencing JOY in my life like never before. God must be working in me, because JOY is named as one component of the fruit of the Spirit. I am learning what it means to sit in his presence. In life BC, I treated God like a 3 day visitor in my life. I knew what he has to see, where he needs to go, whom he needs to meet. There can not be a dull moment, watch out for the awkward moments of silence when no one knows what to say. That’s when I would run my mouth all the time and do all the talking. I was the one praying for all the outer things.  NOW we have a closer relationship, where words are not necessary. I can enjoy being with Him in silence, just like with those that are the closest to me and it doesn’t feel weird. 

It’s easy to worship life when things go well. In fact, it is easy to make a happy life an idol in our lives, when things go really well. When my reality became sickness, fighting for life, death no longer something that happens 30 years down the road, the idol of Happy LIFE was destroyed.

I am not fighting for my “happy life” back. I don’t want to worship life for its richness and beauty. I testify, that when those happy circumstances fade away, God’s love is the same. By getting closer to Him in need, and experiencing His presence, His Love is greater. He has a special thing for sick people.

He is fulfilling my unwritten, but much desired goals, that usually take place in a setting of perfect circumstances, that we call a HAPPY LIFE. What I wanted to have but couldn’t when I was strong, I have now, when I am weak. I don’t want the “strength of my youth” back.  I want to be drawn to God first. And that is happening.

In Him, the pursuit of happiness is replaced with JOY. As Mephiboshet was invited to the Kings table, we are invited to God’s kingdom thru Jesus Christ. Even if I will never see a burning bush or my legs will never heal, I am with David on this one:

Better than life is God’s love. Ps 63:3.  (let’s read it one more time!)

It goes well with the promise from Mt 6.33

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I hope that this will encourage you to seek more of the Giver. Don’t focus on the gifts He can give. When they stop coming, there won’t be any tragedy. Life will go on, because you trust that the Giver has a plan.

Before I close with a prayer, I would like to say from this place a big thank you on behalf of my family.

Thank you FCC for reaching out to us, embracing and welcoming us and helping us in many ways. Having you as part of our lives has helped us deal with our circumstances way above average. God is using you to strengthen our relationship with Him and to experience living in a community of believers who share this part of our journey with us.

Let’s pray.

healthy and sick.

Forgive me for the silence from my end. I have felt a huge need to express many different things over the past months, but have also felt the need to just live it. I have wanted to share about each new round of treatments for Martin, each new step towards normalcy I'm taking, how we are processing all of this, but the tension stops me. I wanted to try to describe the sadness and the joy, the roller coaster ride of emotions I have been on, but instead I just needed to ride it out for a few months.

Odpusťte mi, prosím, to ticho z mé strany. Poslední dobou jsem cítila ohromnou potřebu vyjádřit mnoho dojmů z předchozích měsíců, ale zároveň bylo nutné pro mě „prostě žít“. Chtěla jsem se sdílet o všech dávkách léčby, každém dalším kroku k „normálnosti“ který dělám, jak to všechno prožíváme, ale bránila mi v tom úzkost. Chtěla jsem vyjádřit smutek a radost, tu horskou dráhu emocí  na které teď jsem. Místo toho jsem však potřebovala nechat je pár měsíců ustálit.

I have been living in a few different tensions. But the biggest one is that even though Martin is (relatively) well at the moment, we are one test result away from not being well. And I remember too sharply in my short term memory what that feels like. So honestly, there have been very few moments when I have fully relaxed in this. We are well, but still sick.

Žiji v napjatých chvílích. I když je Martin je na tom teď „relativně“ dobře, pouhý jeden špatný výsledek krve nám může oznámit relaps. A  ve své krátkodobé paměti si vybavuji velice jasně, jaké to je. Upřímně můžu říct, že  jsou chvíle, kdy jsem schopna si vydechnout a být v klidu.  Teď jsme na tom dobře, i když stále bojujeme s nemocí.

I want to be sure to thank you for something. This is one of those time when the words 'thank you' seem so small. In January, when Martin finished his horrendous 50 days of arsenic and received a good test result, you celebrated. I have never in my life received so many comments, cheers, 'likes' on facebook, calls, cards etc. We really felt your joy. Thank you so much. It was an extra special gift because (typing through tears) I couldn't feel my own joy. It was there, but I couldn't feel it. What I did feel, was relief. I was relieved that Martin could have a break before the next round. I was relieved that the arsenic treatment was working and that they didn't have to find something even more aggressive. I was relieved that there seemed to be movement...that we weren't stuck in the treatment that seemed to go on an on.  It meant so much to know that good news was being celebrated, even if we couldn't do it. Thank you so very much.

Musím vám za něco moc poděkovat. Toto je jedna z těch chvil, kde pouhá slova díků nestačí, prostě nevyjádří plně co chci říct. V lednu, kdy Martin dokončil příšerných 50 dnů léčby a dostavil se dobrý výsledek krve, VY JSTE SLAVILI.  Nikdy v životě jsem neobdržela tolik komentářů, jásání, „likeů“ na facebooku, telefonátů, přání atd. Cítili jsme vaši radost. Za to vám mockrát děkuji. Byl to jeden z dárků „navíc“, protože(píši přes slzy) jsem nemohla cítit svou vlastní radost. Byla tam, ale necítila jsem jí. Co jsem cítila, byla úleva. Byla jsem zklidněna, že Martin může mít pauzu mezi další dávkou léčby, byla jsem zklidněna, že léčba funguje a že nemuselo být použito nic víc agresivního. Byla jsem zklidněna, že je vidět nějaký postup, že jsme se nezasekli na léčbě, která musí trvat pořád a pořád a pořád..  Znamenalo to pro mě tolik, že tato dobrá zpráva byla oslavována, i když my sami jsme oslavovat nemohli. Děkuji..

But I didn't feel happy and we didn't really celebrate. Martin and I went out for lunch to a favorite restaurant. Maybe that was celebrating? But we didn't jump or cheer or shout out loud. I didn't even write a celebratory blog post. I couldn't respond to many of your messages because although it  was a big sigh of relief for us, I also felt sarcastic, angry and scared. Bruised and tired. Disappointed and scared and tired. I felt guilty for not feeling like celebrating. What I, and maybe we, needed was time.  More importantly, I needed to sit with God a lot and remember. This was a big faith building time for me.

Necítila jsem štěstí a neslavili jsme. Martin a já jsme zašli do oblíbené restaurace na oběd. Možná to bylo oslavování? Ale neskákali jsme, nejásali jsme, ani jsme nahlas nekřičeli. Ani jsem nepsala oslavný příspěvek na blog. Nemohla jsem odpovědět na vaše mnohé zprávy, protože i když to byla obrovská  úleva, moje odpovědi by mohly vyznít sarkasticky, naštvaně a  vyděšeně. Měla jsem pocit prázdnoty a  byla jsem unavená.  Zklamaná, na konci svých sil a unavená..  Cítila jsem se zahanbeně, že se mi nechtělo oslavovat. Co jsem (a možná my všichni) potřebovali, byl čas. A ještě více, potřebovala jsem jen v tichosti sedět s Bohem.  Bylo to pro mě důležité období upevňování mé víry.

 After talking with many people around this time, I realized that my heart had learned to disconnect joy and health. God had walked with me towards sorrow and sickness and I was starting to accept it more and more. Because He was there with us, we were somehow ok. Only because of Him.  Joy was starting to be a constant instead of depending on circumstance. I know this is a really good thing and in my life I had just never been challenged in this as much as now. When we received the good results, I didn't want to reconnect joy and health. It was too confusing for my heart. Too scary. I knew that although that particular round was over and that the results were good at that time, we were a long long way from being off of this road. And like I said before, we are just one test result from being back to where we were.

Po mnoha rozhovorech s tolika lidmi v tomto období jsem si uvědomila, že mé srdce se musí naučit oddělit radost a zdraví. Bůh mě vedl skrz bolest a nemoc a já jsem se s tím začínala více a více smiřovat. Protože je s námi, jsme relativně v pořádku. Ale jen díky Němu.  Radost se stávala trvalou a nezávislou na okolnostech. Vím, že tohle je v mém životě velmi dobrá věc, jen to nikdy nebylo tak obtížné. Teď máme dobré výsledky, nechci podmiňovat radost zdravím. Mé srdce bylo zmatené a úzkostné. i přesto že určitá dávka léčby je za námi a že výsledky jsou zatím dobré,  jsme daleko, velmi daleko od konce této cesty. A jak již jsem řekla předtím, stačí jeden pozitivní výsledek testů, a jsme zpět, kde už jsme byli.

We needed time for a bunch of reasons. To rest. To be together as a family. For the girls to see daddy without the port in his arm. To be with dear friends in Prague and in Germany for a conference. To sort out things in our heads and hearts. For me to slowly step back into responsibilities. To think (or even obsess) about new things. To pursue new friendships. To care for others in hard places. To have perspective to see good in THIS experience. To start collecting all kinds of good news...babies, weddings, Mia learning to ride a bike. To feel normal. Ultimately, to heal.

Potřebovali jsme čas z mnoha různých důvodů. Na odpočívání. Na trávení času s rodinou. Na to, aby mohly holky vidět tátu bez kanily v ruce. Abychom mohli být s našimi drahými přáteli a také se účastnit konference YL v Německu.  Abychom si mohli utřídit věci v našich myšlenkách i srdcích. Pro mě, abych se vrátila do všech pracovních činností.  Abych mohla přemýšlet (někdy být i uchvácena) novými věcmi. Budovat nová přátelství. Starat se o ostatní v těžkých chvílích. Abych měla možnost vidět dobro i v TÉTO zkušenosti.  Abych mohla zase dostávat dobré zprávy.. miminka, svatby, jak se Mia učí jezdit na kole. Abych se zase mohla cítit normálně. Potřebovala jsem čas celkově, na uzdravení.

This process stops and starts for us each month with Martin's treatments. We regress and then move forward. I still feel clumsy but am so incredibly grateful for the grace given to us by you, our community, our family. And for the perfect patient grace of God that invites me to come exactly as I am.

Tento proces končí i začíná každým cyklem Martinovi léčby. O kousek se vrátíme a zase se posuneme vpřed. Pořád se cítím tak nemotorně, ale jsem nesmírně vděčná za tu milost, která nám je dávána vámi, našimi přáteli, naší rodinou.  A za dokonalou milost Boží, která mě vyzývá, abych přišla tak, jak jsem.

Now, almost 5 months after Martin's relapse, after bad test results in November and December and then good ones since, after two more rounds of arsenic and chemotherapy treatments, we have been well and not well. Martin continues to have rounds of 10 days of the arsenic each month, and then a nice break for the rest of the month. This pattern will continue through July, and after that he will continue with chemotherapy pills for at least another year.

Už je to 5 měsíců od listopadové zprávy o relapsu. Ne každý den je dobrý den. Martin pokračuje v desetidenních arzénových dávkách na přelomu měsíce. Pak má přestávku do konce měsíce. Takto to bude až do červecne, potom by měl pokračovat s chemoterapeutickými prášky nejméně jeden další rok.

I'm not sure as you read this, what tone this post will take. I want to be sure to say that together with time, medicine, lots of help and the Love of God some really dark times have been amazing. In some ways, I feel better than ever, especially when I just look at today. Martin is getting the treatment he needs to live, and is not wasting this time at all!  The girls are healthy, beautiful and hysterical. I am in a place and community where I am learning, being challenged and growing more than ever. But the best news is that we are continuing to discover Jesus in the midst of all of this. Still bruised and tired? Yes. But loved and cared for perfectly by the Lord.

Nejsem si jistá, jakým tónem to vyzní, až si budete číst tento příspěvek. Chci říct, že s časem, léky a mnohou pomocí od Boha bylo mnoho temných chvil krásných. Z některých věcí mám lepší pocit než kdy jindy, zvláště když se kouknu na dnešek. Martinovi se dostává léčba, kterou potřebuje a neztrácí svůj čas! Holky jsou zdravé, krásné a je s nimi legrace. Jsem obklopena přáteli. Jsem v situaci, která mě přesahuje, kde se učím a rostu jako nikdy předtím.  Ale ta nejlepší zpráva je, že dále poznávám Ježíše ve víru tohoto všeho. Pořád vyčerpaná a unavená? Ano. Ale milována Pánem Ježíšem.

This is one of the songs that was sang at a Good Friday service that I can't get out of my head. Enjoy!

Toto je jedna z písní, která se zpívala během bohoslužby na Velký pátek. Od té doby ji nemohu  dostat z hlavy, snad se Vám bude taky líbit !

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Láska Boží je větší než jazyk může říct či pero popsat

Sahá výš než nejvyšší hvězda

Sahá níž než nejnižší peklo

Před ní padli na kolena i ti dva co přivedli na svět hřích

Bůh dal Svému Synu zvítězit

Smířil se se svým chybujícím dítětem (míněno lidstvo)

A odpustil mu jeho hřích.

Ó lásko Boží, jak hojná a čístá!

Jak bezměrná a silná!

Navždy setrváš v písni svatých a andělů

Kdyby šel oceán inkoustem naplnit

A nebe bylo velký pergamen

A perem by bylo každé stéblo slámy na zemi  

A každý člověk písařem

Tak by se na popsání Boží lásky vysušil celý oceán do sucha

  A  ani listina skrz celé nebe natažená by na to nestačila

thank you Veronika K. for ALL of your translating help!

note from Martin

Dear friends,

it is over 40 days since the test results came back negative. I must say that not having to go to the hospital for a treatment one single day in January - after going daily for almost two months - was a great relieve for my body and my soul.

Milí přátelé,

před více než 40 dny jsem dostal výsledky testů, které byly negativní. Přiznávám, že nemuset překročit práh nemocnice během ledna (po tom, co jsem tam byl dva měsíce každý den), přineslo obrovskou úlevu jak mému tělu tak duši.

Somewhere i read the following quote: “ God doesn’t heal the body, without healing the soul.”  I didn’t realize, that my soul needs much more healing than my body..

January 2013 was another new beginning. German pastor Blumhardt shared this about his own journey thru different sicknesses :  “Illness has often let me to seek greater quietness, to seek anew the way God wants to lead me. People assume that after i get well i will take up the activities again in the old way.” 

Někde jsem četl následující citát: “ Bůh neuzdravuje tělo, aniž by uzdravil duši.” Netušil jsem, že moje duše potřebuje víc uzdravení než mé tělo. Nový rok byl pro mě nový začatek. Německý pastor Blumhardt, který si sám prošel několika nemocemi, napsal

“nemoc mě často přivedla k hledání hlubšího ztišení, hledání nových cest, kterými mě Bůh chce vést. Lidé si myslí, že až se uzdravím, skočím do všech aktivit stejně jako předtím.”

Over the last year i have been anxious and nervously hurrying things to go back to all my activities, work, sports etc. Every month i asked my doctor “Can i go back to work now?” and he would shake his head and said “Not yet!” I tried to stay connected with all buzz of the YL activities, meeting leaders, students and friends, trying to be helpful and useful... My obsession with what i can do continued to feed my ego to the point of continuing staying my identity. What i can do, became more important than who i am to become in Him. In my life BC (before cancer) there has been a lot of bad habits, wrong assumptions, expectations, and many times the ways of the world has been put higher than God’s ways.The Bible has an illustration of dogs returning to eat their vomit. The image of this is so strong that i have no desire to go back to my old lifestyle!! I believe God wants me to change the way i lead myself and others to follow Him.

Pastor Blumhardt recommends the same recipe as  the prophet Isaiah had for Israel - “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.“

(Is 30:15) .

Během loňského roku jsem byl nedočkavý a netrpělivě se snažil uspěchat návrat do mých každodenních povinností, práce, sportování atd. Každý měsíc jsem se ptal doktora “Už můžu jít do práce?” a on zavrtěl hlavou se slovy “Ještě NE!” Za každou cenu jsem se snažil být u všeho dění, zvláště okolo Young Lifu, sdílet život s ostatními vedoucími, studenty a přátely, být nápomocný a užitečný. Mé JÁ bylo pohlceno tím co můžu do té míry, až to určovalo moji identitu. Co dělám, bylo víc důležité, než kým bych se měl stát v Kristu. Můj život před leukémií obsahoval spoustu zlozvyků, falešných představ, očekávání a častokrát jsem nadřazoval světské principy nad ty Boží. V Bibli je připodobnění  psů, kteří se sytí svými vlastními zvratky. Ten obraz je tak příšerný, že nemám chuť se k tomu starému způsobu života vracet. Věřím, že Bůh chce změnit způsob jakým vedu sebe a druhé na cestě následovaní Ježíše. Pastor Blumhardt doporučuje osvědčený způsob, jako nabízel prorok Isajáš izraelskému lidu uprostřed tísně:  “V pokání a odpočinku je tvé spasení, ve ztišení a důvěrě je tvá síla.” Iz 39:11

In my physical rest, God meets me and speaks in such a way, that leads me to repentance. In repentance i found my heart to desire more of God, longing for his ways to become my ways. I have a hard time with quietness, because by talking i have been able to accomplish a lot. But my words have also caused hurt, pain and distance. I need  to learn to trust that God is in charge and his timing is better then mine. So many times when I don’t feel God is answering our prayers, i take charge and lead the way. I am learning that it is in quietness that i can experience Him through His Word and Holy Spirit. My soul needs more healing than my body. The only way to be healed is to be willing to repent. Believe me, neither is the list short nor is he finished with me.. I want to trust Him like a child, depending on his timing and ways. I want to seek the kingdom first (Matt 6:33).

Během toho co odpočívám, Bůh ke mě promlouvá způsobem, který vede k pokání. V pokání se touhy mého srdce více přibližují těm Božím, toužím aby Jeho cesty byly moje cesty. Je to pro mě těžké se ztišit, protože mluvením jsem dosáhl mnohé. Zároveň má slova způsobila zranění, bolest a odcizení. Tolikrát, když se mi zdá, že Bůh neodpovídá na mé modlitby, je pro mě jednoduché najít řešení a udělat si to po svém. Nově se učím, jak ve ztišení se můžu s Ním setkat skrze Jeho slovo a Jeho Ducha svatého. Moje duše potřebuje víc uzdravení než mé tělo. Jediná cesta vede přes pokání. Věřte mi, že seznam k pokání není zrovna nejkratší a taky Bůh to se mnou nevyřídí všechno na ráz. Chci mu důvěřovat jako dítě, spolehnout se na Boží způsoby a Boží načasování. Chci především poznávat jak to funguje v království, kde On je Králem.

May I ask that you pray with me for this change in my life?

Mohl bych Vás požádat o modlitby za tuto proměnu v mém životě?

Thank you,

Díky,

martin

Good news

The test results from Dec 31st are negative!! It means I am free of cancer at the moment!!
Three weeks of freedom from hospital runs, pills and chemos. The next treatment starts Jan.21.
Praising God for the gift of remission and thank you for all your support and prayers.

Vysledky testu z 31.12. jsou NEGATIVNI !! Rakovina premozena, aspon pro tuto chvili.
Pristi tri tydny nemusim do nemocnice, nemam chemoterapie ani prasky. Udrzovaci lecba zacina 21. ledna.
Chvalim Boha za dar remise a dekuji vam vsem za podporu a modlitby.

Holidays

This has not been a normal holiday season for us. But what is normal?

Overall, this holiday time has not felt like Christmas, for a lot of reasons related to and unrelated to cancer.

Nebyly to tak úplně normální vánoční svátky. Ale co je normální?

Je spoustu důvodů proč nemám pocit, že jsou právě vánoce – některé jsou spojené s rakovinou, některé ne.

But I am holding on to a few crystal clear memories and moments that were so filled with the hope and the spirit of Christmas. One of those moments was at church. I had both girls with me; I was holding them near.  The Advent candles were lit (I don't remember which week it was). The room was beautifully and simply decorated. I can't even remember what song we were singing! But I clearly remember thinking Christmas is near. I felt the expectation and hope and potential of what was coming. God in the Flesh.

Na druhou stranu vzpomínám na okamžiky, které byly naplněny nadějí a atmosférou vánoc. Jedním takovým okamžikem byla adventní bohoslužba. Obě holky byly se mnou, držela jsem je v pevném objetí. Už si nepamatuji, která to byla adventní neděle.. Svíčky na adventním věnci hořely, místnost byla nazdobená krásně a decentně, a zpívali jsme chvály, které mi připomněly že vánoce jsou za dveřmi. Citila jsem to očekávání a naději toho co má přijít.

The other moment, was one I wish I had a photo of. It was at the dinner table at Martin's parent's house on the 24th.

(Here in Czech, we celebrate Christmas on the 24th with a big family dinner. After dinner, the children go into another room and return when they hear a little bell ring. When they return to the room all of the presents are under the tree to be opened!)

The girls in dresses, (which doesn't happen often), a beautiful set table, decorated tree behind the girls, candles lit. Before the soup was served, we were sitting at the table. I didn't want the moment to end. The girls were full of excitement and anticipation of the gifts to come. They seemed so old (4.5 and almost 3) and radiant. I can't explain it. I looked over to Martin's mom and she too was beaming. Delighted by the girls, having a full home and table, and to have Martin there. Last year, we had the same Christmas meal at the same table and we tried to pull together the joy and spirit - but the fact that Martin was in hospital loomed. THIS moment was different. The table was full. He was right beside me. Other things were looming.... but not this one. This year was exhausting for us in many ways, but we made it back here. To this table with family. With Martin.

I felt the same hope, expectation and potential that I felt in church a few weeks before. All of those, plus one more: contentment.

Přála bych si, aby někdo vyfotil moment, kdy jsme se celá rodina sešli s Martinovými rodiči a babičkou ke Štědrovečerní večeři. Holky měly na sobě šatičky (to se nestává moc často!), stůl byl krásně prostřený, stromek nazdobený, na věnci hořely všechny čtyři svíčky a všichni jsme seděli u stolu. Přála jsem si, aby tahle chvíle neskončila. Holky se nemohly dočkat a byly tak napjaté jaké dárky letos dostanou. Už jsou tak velké (4.5 a 3 roky) a úplně zářily! Stejně jako Martinova mamka, která byla nadšená nejen z holek,ale taky z toho, že je Martin na vánoce u ní doma. Před rokem jsme měli podobnou večeří, ale ta atmosféra a radost nebyla úplná – Martin byl v nemocnici. Teď to bylo jiné. U stolu jsme byly všichni, Martin vedle mě.Pořád zůstává spousta otazníků, ale teď, aspoň na chvili to bylo jiné. Jsme u stejného stolu jako před rokem, vyčerpaní, ale jsme tu pohromadě, včetně Martina. Cítila jsem stejné očekávání a naději toho co má přijít jako jsem citila na bohoslužbě. To všechno a ještě jednu věc navíc: spokojenost.

I wish I could say those feelings stuck with me throughout the week. Those were two fleeting moments. Honestly, it has been a painfully long 9 days of this last leg of Martin's treatment. Time could not  have gone any slower.  The girls have been home from skolka, which I thought would be fun...but we got sick. And the weather was terrible. (sorry for complaining) We made the best of it and the girls were great- it has just been lots of time inside.

Přála bych si, aby tyto pocity se mnou zůstaly po celý týden. Oba tyto momenty a jejich emoce moc dlouho nevydržely. Posledních 9 dní Martinovi léčby byly opravdu nekonečné. Čas nemohl utíkat pomaleji. Moc jsem se těšila že holky budou na prázdniny ze školky doma, jenže všem nám bylo špatně. A počasí tomu moc nepřidalo, bylo opravdu hnusně (omlouvám se, že si tak stěžuju). Dělali jsme co jsme  mohli, většinu času uvnitř našeho bytu.

This last treatment has been different. Although it is still the same arsenic treatment that Martin has been taking for 51 days... we are reaching our end. I really don't think we can take any more. Martin said yesterday has he was leaving for his last one before todays' test, 'I think my body can only take 51 of these.' I think our family can only take 51.  I remember saying the same thing after the first 30 days! My choice this last week has been to either do something purposeful, something connecting to my heart, like write letters, read, pray, exercise, even write this blog...all of which would lead to tears. OR watch movies, organize something, sleep or make something. So honestly, I have existed mostly in group 2. I have watched a lot of movies, slept and organized and have been crafty. I'm just too emotionally tired to go to group 1. I go there because I have to. I know I need to. But I would much rather watch Top Chef and work on a baby blanket for a friend's baby boy all day everyday.

Poslední část léčby byla nejnáročnější.  Martin absolovoval 51 hodinových kapání naředěným arzenikem a už jsme byli se silami na konci.. Myslím, že víc bychom už nezvládli. Martin včera prohlásil, že už jeho tělo víc než 51 kápání nedává. Vzpomínám si, že jsme řikali to samé, když jich bylo teprve 30. Minulý týden jsem pořád zápasila s tim co mám dělat- zda něco smysluplného, něco co mám ráda jako psaní dopisů, čtení, modlitby, cvičení, nebo napsat tento blog. Ale u všech těchto věci bych brečela. Nebo jsem se mohla dívat na filmy, spát, tvořit a uklízet. Nejvíc času jsem trávila koukáním na filmy, spaním, uklizením a občas jsem i něco malého vytvořila.  Věci z první skupiny jsou pro mě zatím moc emočně vyčerpávající. Dělám je, jenom když musím. Vím, že mám. Upřímně bych se radši dívala na Top Chef a hačkovala deku pro chlapečka mé kamarádky, který se má narodit každým dnem.

There's not much to say about Martin's treatment, except that yesterday was his last one. And right now he is getting his blood and bone marrow tested. We should know the results in two days. Martin's body is a mess and he has been very uncomfortable. He is so weak and so sick. He tries to move past it and do normal things and 'be' healthy, but has to sleep before and after. He has had a sore throat for several days and couldn't speak, which is torture for Martin. I had the same sore throat which was gone in two days. Martin has had it for three weeks.

Nemáme žádné nové zprávy ohledně Martinovi léčby. Včera měl poslední kapání, dneska dává krev a vzorek kostní dřeně. Výsledky by měly být za dva až tři dny. Vedlejší učinky se rozmnožují a jsou hodně nepříjemné. Je slabý a nemocný. Snaží se dělat normální věci, ale o to víc musí pak spát. Ke všemu se jestě přidala bolest krku a ztráta hlasu na několik dní. Měla jsem to same a za dva dny to bylo pryč. Martin už s tim bojuje tři týdny.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Martin returning home from the hospital. I can't believe it. I'm very emotional thinking about this year and the next.  Here's the virtual surprise party we (you) threw and here is the blog post from a year ago.

Včera uplynul rok od Martinova propuštění z nemocnice. Nechce se mi tomu ani věřit. Když na to pomyslím, vlastně na celý ten uplynulý rok a na ten přístí, slzy mi vtrhou do očí a brečím. Tady je odkaz na virtualní party, kterou jsme překvapili Martina po propuštění z nemocnice a taky odkaz na blok, který jsem ten den napsala.

All in all, we are hanging in there. Not so gracefully, but we are living day by day.

Can I share a few prayer requests? I can think of 4.

1. That Martin's tests would show no cancer in his blood/bone marrow.

2. That we could have hope to pray for that. I have big hope, the Christmas-kind of hope in Jesus. But I'm scared to hope for Martin's health. It's too hard. I know they must be connected, the two hopes...I may not be able to. I think that's why it is so precious for YOU to hope and pray for Martin's health so specifically, when I can't. I've been struggling to look forward to 2013

3. My dear friend, and old Young Life leader (she's not old, just from a long time ago..18 years ago!), Jessel, wrote in Christmas letter to us, that she is praying for the sweetness of Jesus would be greater than any bitterness.... I think that is a perfect prayer for us right now.

4. Lastly, for the girls. They continue to take this all in and live in the reality of having a sick daddy. It is their everyday life. And it has been for a big fraction of their little lives. Pray that they will have little or big breaks from it. Maybe even a nice big break in 2013. One day they will fully understand how serious this is. May that process be gentle. 

Jdeme dál. Není to jednoduché, nevznášíme se, ale snažíme se to brát den po dni. Můžete se prosim se mnou modlit za pár věci? Napadají mě teď čtyři.

1.     Negativní výsledek testů – remisi.

2.     Modlitby za naději v Martinovo uzdravení. Mám tu velkou naději, kterou slavíme o vánocích – naději v Ježíši. Ale nemám dost naděje pro Martinovo uzdravení. Je to těžké. Vím, že obě naděje jsou propojené, ale nedaří se mi je v mé hlavě spojit dohromady. Proto je pro mě velkou nadějí, že když se nemůžu za Martinovo uzdravení modlit já, modlíte se vy. Je pro mě těžké těšit se na příští rok.

3.     Moje dobra kamarádka Jessel, se kterou se  znám z Young Lifu už přes  18let, mi ve vánočním přání napsala, že se modlí aby Ježíšova dobrota převyšovala nad veškerou hořkostí naší situace.

4.     Prosím modlete se i za naše holky.  Vědí, že jejich táta je nemocný. Je to jejich každodenní realita, která už je dlouhou dobu součástí jejich krátkých životů. Modlete se za to, aby byly chvíle odpočinku, třeba I tak dlouhé jak bude dlouhý rok 2013. Jednou jim vysvětlíme, jaké to bylo celé vážné.

Thank you so much.

I hope you each can celebrate this New Year is some way with friends and family or the quietness of your own home. Happy New Year!!

Moc Vám všem děkuji.

Doufám, že oslavíte nový rok s přáteli a rodinou a/nebo v klidu vašeho domova. Všechno nejlepší do 2013!!