Undivided heart :: 27 months

Mili pratele,

Dear friends,

diky Bozi milosti se jiz 27. mesic neobjevuji v me krvi stopy leukemie!!!! I presto jsem na posledni kontrolu u lekare sel jako studenti chodi na obavanou zkousku - s velkou nervozitou.

 by God’s grace I have entered 27th month of remission!!!!!!!!! It was with a great nervousness that I entered the doctor’s office to hear my latest results. 

Behem uplynulych ctyrech let bylo moje zivotni misto jasne. Jsem pacient, ktery zapasi s leukemii, ma chemoterapie, pak se mu nemoc vrati a uzdraveni se oddaluje.. Bude-li muj zivot zachovan, mel bych se naucit jak je lidske telo stvoreno, jak funguje  a co potrebuje k uzdraveni. Poznal jsem, ze uzdraveni se neda urychlit. Nejde to osidit ani jit zkratkou. Ucim se z vlastnich chyb - byl jsem naivni, kdyz jsem si myslel ze muzu pravidelnou denni hodinovou prochazku nahradit 6ti hodinovym vyslapem o vikendu.. 

Over the past four years my status in life was simply a leukemia patient. Either in chemotherapy, in relapse, or in remission.  If I am granted life, my part was to learn how my body was created, how it functions, what it needs to be healed. I learned that there are no shortcuts when comes to recovery. Among other things I have learned the difference of walking every day for 1 hour and a 6 hours long hike on Saturday to replace the daily exercise. I don’t think I will make that mistake again.

Uz jsem psal o tom, jak jsem okusil nejen uzdraveni tela, ale i uzdraveni duse - uzdraveni do meho zivota s Bohem. Psal jsem, jak Buh promenil ty nejhlubsi udoli na vrcholky hor, ze kterych byl neuveritelny pohled do reality Boziho kralovstvi.

As I have written in some of the previous posts, it was clear to me from the beginning that this would not just be about my body, but also about my soul - my spiritual life. I have written how God taught me that in retrospective the deepest valleys are actually the high peaks, where the view into God’s Kingdom is much more magnificent than from anywhere else I experienced so far.

Dnes bych rad napsal o zmene, kterou jsem vypozoroval v mem chovani. Zhruba od vanoc, kdy jsem prekrocil (pro doktory) dulezity meznik dvou let v remisi, neco zacalo byt jinak. A to i presto, ze nemam dokonceny cyklus udrzovacich chemoterapii. Muj zivot byl najednou naplnen vice moznostmi co muzu a kam muzu, a ty silne zazitky s Bohem najednou byly vytlaceny a neopakovaly se tak casto. Na jednu stranu mi chybi ta hloubka vztahu s Bohem na kterou jsem si behem nemoci zvykl, zvlaste ve chvilich kdy nebylo co bych mohl delat jineho nez lezet a koukat do stropu. Na druhou stranu se raduju, ze se mi pomalu navraci sila a muzu se poustet do veci, ktere jeste pred rokem nebyly myslitelne.

Today, I want to write about a change that I noticed. Since I have crossed the 2 year remission mark over last Christmas, something shifted in my mind. The shift happened despite the unfinished cycle of maintenance-chemos. Another chemo round, hopefully the last one is around the corner. Since Christmas, my life became busier and the deep moments with God became rare. On one hand I miss the depth of the relationship with God when I couldn’t do anything else, because I was sick  or just so tired that laying in bed and staring at the ceiling was all what I can do. At the same time, it is with great joy that I am experiencing a slow recovery, gaining strength and adding things to my life that a year ago I was not able to do. 

Behem tydne mam na starosti 4 -5 veci, kterymi travim cas. Ty hluboka udoli, resp. vyhled z  vrcholu hor se vicemene stavaji vzpominkou, asi tak jako to prozivaji horolezci, kteri prezili vystup i sestup treba z Everestu. Je to ve vzpomince, zbyly jen sramy na tele. Co by se muselo stat, abych nezapomnel nejen co me Buh naucil behem nemoci ale taky tu blizkost Jeho pritomnosti v mem zivote, kterou jsem mohl okusit? Jak muzu mit hluboky vztah s Nim a  zaroven si  pridavat vic veci do kazdodenniho zivota? In my daily life, there are 4 - 5 things that are my responsibilities and now give me something to do. More and more I remember the deep valleys in the way I imagine rock climbers remembering the time they survived their climbing of Mt. Everest. The standing on the peak is only in memory now, and the physical scars are the daily reminders. What must happen that I don’t lose track of what God taught me during the sickness and keep on adding things to my life?

Asi by to nebyl Buh, kdyby i pro takovou situaci nemel “chytre” reseni! Musim se tomu doslova smat, protoze Jeho reseni jak mi pripominat co mame za sebou a  zaroven me ucit jak se tesit na to co je prede mnou, je opravdu proste. Za posledni dobu prisly dalsi emaily a smsky s zadosti, jestli bych s tou ci onou skupinou lidi nemluvil o svem zapasu s leukemii a jak to ovlivnilo muj vztah s Bohem. Je to asi nejjednodussi zpusob, jak muzu projevit vdecnost tomu, kdo mi dal zivot, kdo dovolil, aby me nemoc prepadla nepripraveneho, kdo me provedl kouty sveho kralovstvi, ktere nejsou lehce pristupne a kdo mi dal sanci vratit se do zivota s jinymi cily nez jake jsem mel predtim!

 It brings smile to my face that God has once again came up with a “clever” solution to allow me process regularly what happened in the past and how it fits with where i am heading next. I have to smile every time there is an email or message with invitation to speak to a small or big group about my experience with God during the fight with leukemia. What a great way to remind me of Him who gave me life in the first place, who allowed for the disturbance to storm into my life, who gave me a great tour of the less visited chambers of His Kingdom and who gave me opportunity to return to life with a different vision. 

Vykon, zaneprazdnenost a obdiv okoli uz nejsou me priority. Nic z toho,  co me ted zamestnava jsem si nezaslouzil. Nemuzu nez souhlasit s tvrzenim meho kamarada, ktere si dal na svuj facebook - “Nemám nic co bych nedostal...takže se nemám čím chlubit” . Behem tech poslednich mesicu jsem mel pocit, ze me srdce je takove neklidne.  Ze ja jsem neklidny. Ze jsem nervozni. A pak jsem cetl tyto verse v Zalmu 86.(Bible 21)

Productivity, busyness and/or approval of others are no longer priorities. None of the current busyness is what I asked for. A friend of mine posted recently how he felt about life -  “I have been given everything”. I couldn’t agree more. 

For the last two months i couldn’t identify why my heart was so restless. Recently I found the answer in this  Psalm:

¹¹Svou cestu, Hospodine, ukaž mi,

abych se držel tvé věrnosti.

Mé srdce ať se soustředí,

abych tvé jméno ctil!

¹²Chválím tě, Pane Bože, celým srdcem svým,

tvé jméno chci slavit navěky!

¹³Vždyť ty mě miluješ láskou největší,

zachránil jsi mě z hloubky záhrobí!

Psalm 86:11-13

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness;

give me an undivided heart,  

that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; 

I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, 

from the realm of the dead.

Jestli je neco pro me velkym pokusenim, pak je to spolehat se na vlastni sily a schopnost veci rychle vyresit. Cim vic se citim zdravejsi, tim vic bych toho chtel stihnout. V mem srdci se znovu probouzi vasen pro soutezeni s tim, co je “normalni” a co se povazuje za “prospesne”. Bohuzel, ne vsechno co povazujeme za normalni a prospesne je opravdu normalni a prospesne. Ucim se nove rovnici. Cim jsem zdravejsi a silnejsi, tim klesa moje vdecnost vuci druhym a narusta moje ocekavani co by druzi meli delat. Najednou jsem zjistil, ze to bylo podobne i s mym zdravim. Uz nechci byt nemocny. Chtel jsem mit narok na to byt zdravy, proto ta vetsi  nervozita pri posledni navsteve doktora. Jako bych zapomnel, ze moje zdravi neni moje. Nemuzu si ho narokovat. 

It is my great temptation to depend on my strength and ability to take care of things.  The more I feel healthy the more I want to add things to my life.  And in my heart I start to compete with what is considered “healthy” and “normal”. And not all things considered healthy and normal are healthy and normal. When I feel healthy and strong, my level of appreciation of others decreases and my demands of others increases. I walked into the doctors office nervous, because I wanted to demand a clear bill of health, even though I have no right for such a claim.

Jsem vdecny Bohu za Jeho trpelive pripominani toho kdo je On a kdo chce abych byl ja.Jsem na ceste k uzdraveni, ale jeste jsem nedosel do cile. Jestlize uz ted zapomenu na to co jsem se naucil, pak to zustane jen tezkym obdobim v mem zivote. Nechci prijit o to, co je pro me cenne. Stejne jako  se horolezci chlubi fotkami z vrcholu hor, tak ja bych chtel svedcit o Bohu, ktery me “miluje laskou nejvetsi” a  vyrval me z moci smrti. Doslova. 

I am very thankful that God continues to remind me who is He and who He wants me to be. I am on a journey to recovery, but not finished (yet).  If I forget the lessons I learned, it was all hard, but good for nothing. I don’t want to lose what is so precious. Just like the climbers show pictures of standing on the peaks, I hope my life and my talks will glorify the God who delivered me from the depths and from the realm of the dead. Literally.

Mohl bych Vas pozadat o modlitby, abych se uprostred vsech tech rozptyleni vice celym srdcem soustredil na Boha? 

May I ask you to pray with me for “an undivided heart”? 

Dekuji Vam, mili pratele za vsechny ty zpusoby, kterymi me a nasi rodinu podporujete. A diky za Vase primluvne modlitby. 

Thank you my friends for the love you express to me and my family. And for the prayers on our behalf. 

Martin