Note from Martin

Bylo to obycejne, normalni ctvrtecni rano.(8.11.) Vlastne az na jednu vyjimku. Meli jsme vzacnou navstevu a ja se moc tesil na kratkou prochazku Prahou, vzpominani na casy, ktere jsem stravil spolu s McKnightovymi, kdyz jeste bydleli v CR a zakladali sbor v Ricanech. Den byl naplanovany, zbyvalo naplanovat vikend a hlidani deti behem konference evropskeho YL nasledujici tyden.. Nalada byla dobra,  testy z 5.11. se zdaly byt na prvni pohled dobre! Celkove jsem se citil dobre.

Nasledujici den v patek jsem mel zacit planovanou dvoutydenni udrzovaci chemoterapii v prascich. Kazdodenni zivot se uz pomalu vracel do normalnich koleji.

It was an ordinary Thursday morning (8.11.). All, except one thing. We had a special guest and I was looking forward to go for a short walk through Prague remembering the times I spent together with McKnights when they used to live here in the Czech Republic and founded a church in Ricany. The day was planned and I just wanted to do some more planning for the weekend and the next week because we needed babysitting during the European YL conference. I was in a good mood, tests results from 5.11. seemed to turned out well! I just felt good in general.

I was supposed to start another round of chemotherapy in pills the next day (Friday) which I had been taking for several months. The everyday life was slowly starting to get normal again.

Cislo na zvonicim mobilu vypadalo spis na nejaky marketingovy pruzkum. Misto pruzkumu se ozval muj osetrujici lekar a bohuzel nemel dobrou zpravu. Ve vzorku se nasly nejake "nemocne" bunky a bude se muset udelat dalsi krevni test a nasledne agresivni chemoterapie na 30 dni. Co to vlastne znamena? Chvili nam trvalo, nez jsme si pripustili, ze jeho zprava byla o relapsu. Po 10 mesicich cistych vzorku krve a kostni drene, najednou je leukemie zpatky.

My mobile phone rang and the the number seemed like one from some marketing research. But instead it was my doctor calling and sadly he had some bad news. They found some "ill" cells in my blood test and so I will have to attend more blood tests and then another aggressive chemotherapy for 30 days. What does it actually mean? It took us a while to admit that this is a relapse. Suddenly, after 10 months with good blood and bone marrow tests results, the leukemia has returned.

Recidiva - kdyz to prijde zpatky..
Chemoterapie arzenikem, ktery je specialne upraven pro lidske telo je prozatim fyzicky nejnarocnejsi lecbou, kterou jsem za poslednich 12 mesicu podstoupil. Jak uz psala Jane, je to opravdu upraveny jed na krysy, ktery mi kazdy den hodinu kape do tela. Prvni 3 dny jsem mel velke bolesti, postupne si telo zvykalo a zhruba v polocase je to tak kazdy druhy az treti den, kdy mam nejake bolesti a prospim zbytek dne po chemoterapii. Od zacatku listopadu jsem se omluvil ze vsech povinnosti a veci, ktere mi prinaseli radost a stal jsem se znovu 100% pacientem. Sice nejsem v nemocnici a muzu si uzivat "rodinneho prostredi", ale krome navstevy nemocnice a prijezdu domu, nic moc dalsiho nedavam. Nejsou sily.

A Relapse - when it´s back...

 Arsenic chemotherapy is the  most difficult treatment which I´ve been through for last 12 months. As Jane mentioned before, it really is a rat poison and I´m getting it into my body everyday for an hour for 30 days.  I was in pain for the first three days but step by step my body was getting used to it. Every second or third day I‘m in pain and after chemotherapy I sleep for the rest of the day. From the beggining of November, I have skipped all my duties and things that used to bring me joy and I am 100% a pacient  again. I am not in a hospital and can enjoy being with my family but I am not able to do anything else than visit the hospital and return back home. I’m out of strength.

Psychicky mam prozatim sil dost. Mam motivaci, hlava to zatim dava. Jsou chvile, kdy to na me dolehne a je tezke si predstavit ze me ceka jeste 10 dni terapie, ktera je fakt svinstvo. Uz chapu, proc se nekterym pacientum zveda zaludek, kdyz slysi v metru hlaseni stanice "Karlovo namesti," kde je nemocnice. Pomalu, ale jiste si snazim aspon o minuty oddalit odjezd z domova a na "Karlaku" se mi opravdu z metra nechce. Oproti predchozim lecbam je to rozdil.  Vedel jsem, ze po 4 podanich budu mit zase mesic volno, jenom prasky a kontroly. Ted je to denni navsteva vcetne vikendu a uz se mi tam fakt nechce. Ale vim, ze je to pro me dobro a tak jedu kazdy den.

Mentally, I still have enough strength. I have motivation. I am swimming with my head above water. Sometimes, it all just falls on me and it´s difficult to imagine that I still have 10 more days of this muck chemo ahead of me. Now I understand why are some patients feel ill when they hear the name of the metro stop "Karlovo namesti" where the hospital is. I always try to delay leaving the house to go to the hospitál, at least for a few minutes and I really hate getting off the subway when I arrive to Karlovo namesti. There is a big defference in comparison to other medical treatments I’ve been through. In the past I used to know that after 4 doses I would be free again for a month, I would just take some pills. But now it repeats every single day incuding weekends and I really don´t want to go through this again. But, at the same time I know it is good for me so I keep going there every day.

Slysel jsem o tom, ze lide kteri si projdou utrpenim a bolesti, maji jiny pohled nejen na svuj zivot, ale taky na svuj vztah s Bohem.Nemam potrebu byt prehnane nabozensky nebo obvinovat Boha otazkami "Proc?". Nemuzu si narokovat ani o den prodlouzit zivot. To, jakou mam podporu od lidi blizkych a vzdalenych se neda popsat. Neumim si predstavit a ani nechci domyslet, jakym utrpenim prochazi ti, kdo okolo sebe nemaji rodinu, pratele, a kamarady, kteri je podporuji. Beru to jako Bozi dar, ktery ma obrovskou hodnotu a neda se nicim nahradit.

I´ve heard that people who went through suffer and pain have a different view not just on their own life but also on their relationship with God. I don´t feel the need to be exaggeratedly religious or to blame God with the questions like "Why?!" I can´t lenghten my life even for one day. I can hardly describe to you how much support I have received from those close to me...even if they are far. I can´t imagine how terrible it must be for someone who has no family and friends. I take this as a very valuable and irreplaceble gift from God. 

Dobre okolnosti me provazely cely zivot a nemam na co si stezovat. Pri zprave o relapsu jsem byl uz svobodny od narokovani si Bozi prizne a s tim spojenych naroku na okolnosti, ktere by mi vyhovovaly.  Dostavam milost odprostit se od me falesne identity na zaklade toho co delam a nedelam, touze po uspechu a vitezstvi,  narokovani si zdravi a dobre kondice. Muj zivot je spojen s Kristem - to on me pozval skrze svoji obet a smrt do Boziho kralovstvi.  Je to paradox, ze i ono dlouhe a prozatim nekoncici udoli ma prichut nebe - je mistem kde vladne milujici Buh.

Good circumstances accompanied me through my whole life and I have no reason to complain. I was already free from demanding God´s favour the moment I got the message about a relapse. I receive the grace to free myself from my false identity built on what I´m doing and not doing; my desire for achievement and victory. I´m free from demanding good health and good physical condition. My life is connected to Christ - he is the one who invited me through his sacrifice and death to God´s kingdom. It is a paradox that this long and (for now) not ending valley has a flavour of heaven - it is a place where the loving God rules.

thank you, Klara Flekova, for translation from Czech to English. 

It has been six days since Martin has started this new intense round of treatment. Once again, it feels like just one big super long never ending day.

Už je to šest dní co Martin začal toto intenzivní kolo léčby. Opět a zvova, je to jako jeden velký extra dlouhý nikdy nekončící den.

Just to post a quick health update and to fill in some more information about his treatment- the doctors have told us not to panic. In his last bone marrow test, they found a small amount of the cancer cells 'hiding', so they are being cautious and careful to clear them out of Martin's body.

Jen, abych zveřejnila pár rychlých zdravotních změn a dodala další informace o jeho léčbě : doktoři nám řekli,že nemáme panikařit. V posledních testech kostní dřeně našli malé množství rakovinných buněk, takže jsou opatrní a pečlivý v jejich odstranění z Martinova těla.

So that means he must go to the hospital everyday to take in something that kills the cancer cells.

Takže to znamená, že musí chodit do nemocnice každý den, aby dostal něco,co zabíjí rakovinné buňky.

The more I think about this and go over it again and again in my head, I can see a few pieces of good news. They found the cells. They know how to kill them. There are just a small amount of them. And lastly and the most mysterious, when I can move my thoughts from my self, my worry and my fear, I have actually experienced life and peace. Thanks to the Lord.

Čím více nad tím přemýšlím, a promítám si to v hlavě stále a stále dokola. Jsem schopná vidět pár dobrých zpráv. Našli ty buňky. Ví jak je zničit. Je jich jen málo. A konečně a to nejvíce záhadné, když můžu odprostit svoje myšlenky od sebe, problémů a strachu, skutečně jsem zažila život a pokoj. Díky Pánu Bohu.

Today for sixth time he has received this treatment. 24 more days to go. The first two or three days were just terrible. I mean, ones that I want so badly to forget. It never gets easier seeing someone you love so sick. Since then, he's started to feel more and more relief and his body is getting 'used to it'.

Dnes po šesté absolvoval tuto léčbu.Ještě 24 dní ..První dva nebo tři dny byly hrozné. Myslím,tak špatné, že na ně chci zapomenout. Nikdy to nebude jednodušší vidět někoho, koho milujete tak nemocného.Od té doby, se začíná cítit více a více odpočatější a jeho tělo si začíná zvykat.

This is the routine of this week: when the girls and I got up and got ready for preschool, Martin was still fighting the headache, taking a few ibuprofens.. He felt a lot of pain behind his eyes, which was something he never experienced before. By the time I got home from the morning school drop-off, he was feeling a little better, well enough to eat breakfast and start getting ready for the hospital. He is to be at hospital around 10, the treatment takes about 1 hour of slow dripping of the juice into his system. By 11:15 he was leaving for home, feeling nauseous and little dizzy.. The walk over the bridge, fresh air, wind or sun - being outside is giving him extra energy before getting on the metro.. Some days were better than others. After a couple of hours he gets tired and sleeps for the rest of the afternoon before the girls show up and have lots to share with daddy about their day.. Yesterday and today, he was able to stay awake past 7.30pm!!! 

And one last comment - all of this is happening as he is on his scheduled chemotherapy with pills that he takes in the morning and in the evening. He measures life differently now, resigned from ALL responsibilities to be able to rest and eliminate any un-necessary stress. He is at peace, keeping the head above the water, thankful that the pain is manageable by more pills, and enjoying MINUTES or hours with no pain.

Běžný týden : když já a holky vstaneme a chystáme se do na odchod do školky, Martin stále bojuje s bolestí hlavy, bere si pár ibubrofenů..Cítí hodně bolesti v za jeho očima,což je něco co doposud neznal.V době, kdy se vrátím domů zpět z doprovázení holek do školky, cítí se trochu lépe, dost dobře na to,aby snědl snídani a byl připravený jít do nemocnice.V nemocnici má být okolo desáté,léčba zabere tak jednu hodinu pomalého odkapávání "šťávy"do jeho tělního systému.Okolo 11:15 odchází domů,cítí se špatně a má menší závratě.Procházkou pěšky přes most, čerstvý vzduch, vítr a slunce- být venku mu dává extra energii pro jízdu metrem...Některé dny byly lepší něž ostatní,po několika hodinách se unaví a spí po zbytek odpoledne než se objeví holky a mají toho hodně ze svého dne,co chtějí povědět tatínkovi.Včera a dnes ,byl schopný zůstat vzhůru až do 7:30 večer!!!

A poslední poznámka - to vše se děje,když je na jeho plánované chemoterapii s práškami ,které bere ráno a večer.Měří teď život jinak ,odstoupil od všech povinností aby byl schopný odpočívat a vypustit nepotřebný stress.Je v klidu, drží hlavu nad vodou ,vděčný ,že se dá bolest snížit pomocí prášků a těší se z každé minuty nebo hodiny bez bolesti

There is actually ALOT that I can't wait to share from these past few days, especially about all the ways God has cared for and supported us.... but I want to get this quick update up first. For all of the love and prayers, we cannot say 'Thank you' enough!

Je toho opravdu HODNĚ, nemohu se dočkat až se s vámi podělím o těchto posledních pár dní,konkrétně o tom kolika možnými způsoby se o nás Bůh staral a podporoval nás..ale jako první chci tuto rychlou aktualizaci .

Thank you SO much Nikola Bartonkova!!!!!!!!

A relapse.

(same post from yesterday, 9 Nov, but with translation)

A relapse.

I was trying to think of a clever way to start this blog post, but can't. We have had a nice, quiet, long summer of 'no new is good news', when it comes to Martin's health. I have have wanted to start posting again, but haven't quite known how.

Recidiva

Snažila jsem se přijít na nějaký inteligentní způsob, jak napsat úvod k tomuto článku, ale nejde mi to. Co se týče Martinova zdraví, máme za sebou krásné, tiché a dlouhé léto, ve stylu ´žádné zprávy - dobré zprávy´. Chtěla jsem začít zase psát tenhle blog, ale nějak jsem nevěděla jak. 

We have been living in the tension of sickness and health- with mostly good days for Martin. But having to remember that even though he was feeling better, we are still on a long marathon journey...feeling the tension between enjoying the moment and remembering the reality. Maybe later I will share more about this.

Žili jsme v napětí mezi nemocí a zdravím - a většinou měl Martin ten dobrý den. Ale mít pořád na paměti  že i když je mu teď lépe, pořád je před námi ještě dlouhá cesta...  Pořád cítit to napětí mezi užíváním si okamžiku a uvědomováním si reality. Možná o tom později napíšu víc.

Yesterday, he was feeling OK. Life was in full motion for our family.
But tonight, it has stopped. I'm sad to say that that I don't have to 'remember' that Martin is sick. I just have to turn the corner and see. He is so sick.

Včera se cítil dobře. Život naší rodiny byl v plném proudu. Ale dnes večer se zastavil. Nerada přiznávám, že už nemusím ´pamatovat´ na to, že je Martin nemocný. Nastane obrat a je to jasně vidět. Je moc nemocný.

The doctor called yesterday and said that he had some bad results to his regular blood work. He's had a relapse. Today he's started another intense circle of really strong chemotherapy. He is able to be an outpatient, but has to go in every morning for at least two weeks for and IV of glorified rat poisoning. Literally, that is what it is. There should be a Mr. Yuck sticker on the stuff they are putting in him.

Včera volal doktor a oznámil nám, že výsledky Martinových pravidelných krevních testů jsou špatné. Nastala recidiva.Dnes tedy začal další intenzivní cyklus chemoterapií. Mohl by být ambulantním pacientem a každé ráno po dobu minimálně dvou týdnů musí chodit na intravenózní aplikaci vychvalovaného jedu na krysy. To je to, co mu dávají, doslova. Měla by na tom být nálepka Mr. Blevajz.

Today after his first injection, we took a nice long walk together from Karlovo Namesti to Mala Strana to meet my parents for lunch. He still seemed well and I was hopeful. This isn't so bad. Within a few hours, we returned home and I am brought right back to a very familiar place. Overwhelmed. Scared. Trying to care for Martin who is so very sick tonight. Trying to remember our walk across the bridge today. Trying to remember what I was reminded of yesterday by two special friends, that the Lord says,  'I will help you,' 'I will defend you,' 'I will never leave you,' I want to be close to you,' 'I am the Lord.' That He will be and do those things for Martin. Tonight. 

Dnes jsme se po jeho první injekci vydali na krásnou dlouhou procházku z Karlova náměstí na Malou Stranu a pak jsme si zašli s mými rodiči na oběd. Martin se zdál být v pořádku a já byla plná nadějí. Tohle přece není tak zlé. Po pár hodinách jsme se vrátili domů a já spadla zase tam, kde jsem bývala. Zdrcená. Vyděšená. Snažím se postarat se o Martina, kterému je dnes večer velmi zle. Snažím se myslet na to, jak jsme se procházeli po mostě. Snažím se myslet na to, jak mi včera mi dva blízcí přátelé připomněli, že Pán říká, ´Pomůžu Vám,´ ´Budu Vás bránit,' Nikdy Vás neopustím,´ ´Chci Vám být nablízku,´ ´Já jsem Pán´. Připomněli mi, že On tu pro Martina bude a  tyto věci učiní. Dnes večer.

Please, if you pray, please pray for Martin and for these next two or three weeks. So many of our past updates (not on this blog, but in person) have been so positive, and so much more fun to share, that I really hesitate to post this. But I know it's important. It is such a gift to be connected to you all.

Prosím, modlete se za Martina, hlavně v nejbližších dvou až třech  týdnech. Zprávy od nás bývali obyčejně pozitivní a veselejší, takže opravdu váhám s tím tenhle článek zveřejnit. Ale vím, že je to důležité. Být s Vámi takhle ve spojení. Je obrovský dar.

thank you Klára Fleková

A relapse.

I was trying to think of a clever way to start this blog post, but can't. We have had a nice, quiet, long summer of 'no new is good news', when it comes to Martin's health. I have have wanted to start posting again, but haven't quite known how.

We have been living in the tension of sickness and health- with mostly good days for Martin. But having to remember that even though he was feeling better, we are still on a long marathon journey...feeling the tension between enjoying the moment and remembering the reality. Maybe later I will share more about this.

Yesterday, he was feeling OK. Life was in full motion for our family.
But tonight, it has stopped. I'm sad to say that that I don't have to 'remember' that Martin is sick. I just have to turn the corner and see. He is so sick.

The doctor called yesterday and said that he had some bad results to his regular blood work. He's had a relapse. Today he's started another intense circle of really strong chemotherapy. He is able to be an outpatient, but has to go in every morning for at least two weeks for and IV of glorified rat poisoning. Literally, that is what it is. There should be a Mr. Yuck sticker on the stuff they are putting in him.

Today after his first injection, we took a nice long walk together from Karlovo Namesti to Mala Strana to meet my parents for lunch. He still seemed well and I was hopeful. This isn't so bad. Within a few hours, we returned home and I am brought right back to a very familiar place. Overwhelmed. Scared. Trying to care for Martin who is so very sick tonight. Trying to remember our walk across the bridge today. Trying to remember what I was reminded of yesterday by two special friends, that the Lord says,  'I will help you,' 'I will defend you,' 'I will never leave you,' I want to be close to you,' 'I am the Lord.' That He will be and do those things for Martin. Tonight.

Please, if you pray, please pray for Martin and for these next two or three weeks. So many of our past updates (not on this blog, but in person) have been so positive, and so much more fun to share, that I really hesitate to post this. But I know it's important. It is such a gift to be connected to you all.

(I hope to get this translated soon!)