Note from Martin

Bylo to obycejne, normalni ctvrtecni rano.(8.11.) Vlastne az na jednu vyjimku. Meli jsme vzacnou navstevu a ja se moc tesil na kratkou prochazku Prahou, vzpominani na casy, ktere jsem stravil spolu s McKnightovymi, kdyz jeste bydleli v CR a zakladali sbor v Ricanech. Den byl naplanovany, zbyvalo naplanovat vikend a hlidani deti behem konference evropskeho YL nasledujici tyden.. Nalada byla dobra,  testy z 5.11. se zdaly byt na prvni pohled dobre! Celkove jsem se citil dobre.

Nasledujici den v patek jsem mel zacit planovanou dvoutydenni udrzovaci chemoterapii v prascich. Kazdodenni zivot se uz pomalu vracel do normalnich koleji.

It was an ordinary Thursday morning (8.11.). All, except one thing. We had a special guest and I was looking forward to go for a short walk through Prague remembering the times I spent together with McKnights when they used to live here in the Czech Republic and founded a church in Ricany. The day was planned and I just wanted to do some more planning for the weekend and the next week because we needed babysitting during the European YL conference. I was in a good mood, tests results from 5.11. seemed to turned out well! I just felt good in general.

I was supposed to start another round of chemotherapy in pills the next day (Friday) which I had been taking for several months. The everyday life was slowly starting to get normal again.

Cislo na zvonicim mobilu vypadalo spis na nejaky marketingovy pruzkum. Misto pruzkumu se ozval muj osetrujici lekar a bohuzel nemel dobrou zpravu. Ve vzorku se nasly nejake "nemocne" bunky a bude se muset udelat dalsi krevni test a nasledne agresivni chemoterapie na 30 dni. Co to vlastne znamena? Chvili nam trvalo, nez jsme si pripustili, ze jeho zprava byla o relapsu. Po 10 mesicich cistych vzorku krve a kostni drene, najednou je leukemie zpatky.

My mobile phone rang and the the number seemed like one from some marketing research. But instead it was my doctor calling and sadly he had some bad news. They found some "ill" cells in my blood test and so I will have to attend more blood tests and then another aggressive chemotherapy for 30 days. What does it actually mean? It took us a while to admit that this is a relapse. Suddenly, after 10 months with good blood and bone marrow tests results, the leukemia has returned.

Recidiva - kdyz to prijde zpatky..
Chemoterapie arzenikem, ktery je specialne upraven pro lidske telo je prozatim fyzicky nejnarocnejsi lecbou, kterou jsem za poslednich 12 mesicu podstoupil. Jak uz psala Jane, je to opravdu upraveny jed na krysy, ktery mi kazdy den hodinu kape do tela. Prvni 3 dny jsem mel velke bolesti, postupne si telo zvykalo a zhruba v polocase je to tak kazdy druhy az treti den, kdy mam nejake bolesti a prospim zbytek dne po chemoterapii. Od zacatku listopadu jsem se omluvil ze vsech povinnosti a veci, ktere mi prinaseli radost a stal jsem se znovu 100% pacientem. Sice nejsem v nemocnici a muzu si uzivat "rodinneho prostredi", ale krome navstevy nemocnice a prijezdu domu, nic moc dalsiho nedavam. Nejsou sily.

A Relapse - when it´s back...

 Arsenic chemotherapy is the  most difficult treatment which I´ve been through for last 12 months. As Jane mentioned before, it really is a rat poison and I´m getting it into my body everyday for an hour for 30 days.  I was in pain for the first three days but step by step my body was getting used to it. Every second or third day I‘m in pain and after chemotherapy I sleep for the rest of the day. From the beggining of November, I have skipped all my duties and things that used to bring me joy and I am 100% a pacient  again. I am not in a hospital and can enjoy being with my family but I am not able to do anything else than visit the hospital and return back home. I’m out of strength.

Psychicky mam prozatim sil dost. Mam motivaci, hlava to zatim dava. Jsou chvile, kdy to na me dolehne a je tezke si predstavit ze me ceka jeste 10 dni terapie, ktera je fakt svinstvo. Uz chapu, proc se nekterym pacientum zveda zaludek, kdyz slysi v metru hlaseni stanice "Karlovo namesti," kde je nemocnice. Pomalu, ale jiste si snazim aspon o minuty oddalit odjezd z domova a na "Karlaku" se mi opravdu z metra nechce. Oproti predchozim lecbam je to rozdil.  Vedel jsem, ze po 4 podanich budu mit zase mesic volno, jenom prasky a kontroly. Ted je to denni navsteva vcetne vikendu a uz se mi tam fakt nechce. Ale vim, ze je to pro me dobro a tak jedu kazdy den.

Mentally, I still have enough strength. I have motivation. I am swimming with my head above water. Sometimes, it all just falls on me and it´s difficult to imagine that I still have 10 more days of this muck chemo ahead of me. Now I understand why are some patients feel ill when they hear the name of the metro stop "Karlovo namesti" where the hospital is. I always try to delay leaving the house to go to the hospitál, at least for a few minutes and I really hate getting off the subway when I arrive to Karlovo namesti. There is a big defference in comparison to other medical treatments I’ve been through. In the past I used to know that after 4 doses I would be free again for a month, I would just take some pills. But now it repeats every single day incuding weekends and I really don´t want to go through this again. But, at the same time I know it is good for me so I keep going there every day.

Slysel jsem o tom, ze lide kteri si projdou utrpenim a bolesti, maji jiny pohled nejen na svuj zivot, ale taky na svuj vztah s Bohem.Nemam potrebu byt prehnane nabozensky nebo obvinovat Boha otazkami "Proc?". Nemuzu si narokovat ani o den prodlouzit zivot. To, jakou mam podporu od lidi blizkych a vzdalenych se neda popsat. Neumim si predstavit a ani nechci domyslet, jakym utrpenim prochazi ti, kdo okolo sebe nemaji rodinu, pratele, a kamarady, kteri je podporuji. Beru to jako Bozi dar, ktery ma obrovskou hodnotu a neda se nicim nahradit.

I´ve heard that people who went through suffer and pain have a different view not just on their own life but also on their relationship with God. I don´t feel the need to be exaggeratedly religious or to blame God with the questions like "Why?!" I can´t lenghten my life even for one day. I can hardly describe to you how much support I have received from those close to me...even if they are far. I can´t imagine how terrible it must be for someone who has no family and friends. I take this as a very valuable and irreplaceble gift from God. 

Dobre okolnosti me provazely cely zivot a nemam na co si stezovat. Pri zprave o relapsu jsem byl uz svobodny od narokovani si Bozi prizne a s tim spojenych naroku na okolnosti, ktere by mi vyhovovaly.  Dostavam milost odprostit se od me falesne identity na zaklade toho co delam a nedelam, touze po uspechu a vitezstvi,  narokovani si zdravi a dobre kondice. Muj zivot je spojen s Kristem - to on me pozval skrze svoji obet a smrt do Boziho kralovstvi.  Je to paradox, ze i ono dlouhe a prozatim nekoncici udoli ma prichut nebe - je mistem kde vladne milujici Buh.

Good circumstances accompanied me through my whole life and I have no reason to complain. I was already free from demanding God´s favour the moment I got the message about a relapse. I receive the grace to free myself from my false identity built on what I´m doing and not doing; my desire for achievement and victory. I´m free from demanding good health and good physical condition. My life is connected to Christ - he is the one who invited me through his sacrifice and death to God´s kingdom. It is a paradox that this long and (for now) not ending valley has a flavour of heaven - it is a place where the loving God rules.

thank you, Klara Flekova, for translation from Czech to English.