Sunday, December 18, 2011

sick of sickness

I sat down to write a longer version of what happened leading up to Martin's diagnosis and more about the experience of hearing such news. But honestly, I cannot think past the sickness in my home at the moment...let alone a month ago.

Rozhodla jsem se napsat delší verzi toho, co vedlo k Martinově diagnóze a víc o zkušenostech z vyslyšení těchto zpráv. Upřímně nemůžu myslet na nic jiného, než na nemoc u nás doma. Natož na to, co bylo před měsícem..

I'm trying my best to stay cool and calm about it, but I'm having a hard time. Not because sickness in general is just not fun, but because I need some encouragement that people can get sick and then healthy again. I need to see it. Sofia has had a cough for quite some time now and this past week she has had afternoon fevers and spent one night throwing up. Her coughs are terrible during the night and she literally hasn't slept well in weeks. She is not herself. It is so sad to see. I've taken her to the doctors twice last week. She's been on antibiotics since Friday afternoon. Now it is Sunday night...so I know it hasn't been that long. I'm trying my best to stay positive about it and to see improvement in her health, but then tonight she has another 100.2 (38C) fever and slept on the couch all afternoon :( not to mention her terrible cough.

Snažím se zůstat v pohodě a klidná, ale je to těžké. Ne proto, že nemoc prostě není zábava, ale proto, že potřebuju slyšet nějakou podporu, že lidé můžou onemocnět a zase se uzdravit. Potřebuju to vidět. Sofia má už nějakou dobu kašel a několik posledních týdnů měla odpolední horečky a celou noc zvracela. Kašel je přes noc hrozný a opravdu už několik nocí nespala. Prostě to není ona. Je smutné se na ni dívat. Tento týden jsme byly už dvakrát u doktora, od pátečního odpolene má antibiotika. Dnes je neděle večer.. takže vím, že to ještě není tak dlouho. Snažím se co nejlépe zůstat pozitivní a vidět zlepšení v jejím zdraví, ale dnes v noci má zase teplotu 100.2°F (38°C) a celé odpoledne spala na gauči. Nemluvě o tom hrozném kašli.

..and i'm a mess. This actually ties in perfectly to what I wanted to write about because for two and a half weeks, Martin was here in our flat really sick with the 'flu'. When it began, of course I thought, 'in a few days, he will bounce back...be back to normal'. A few days passed-and nothing. No improvement. Every day, I would wake up expecting him to have a little more life in him. I would expect him to be able to do more for himself or with the girls, but he couldn't. In the beginning, I think I didn't even see that he was actually getting worse, just that he wasn't getting better. A week into it, people were asking why I wasn't asking for help- and honestly, I just didn't know it would last so long. The flu and a toothache. Who would?

Já na tom taky nejsem nejlépe. Tohle vlastně přesně navazuje na to, o čem jsem chtěla psát, protože po dobu dvou a půl týdne byl Martin tady v našem bytě nemocný s „chřipkou“. Když to začalo, tak jsem si samozřejmě myslela, že se „za pár dní uzdraví..vše bude zase normální..“ několik dní uběhlo a nic. Žádné zlepšení. Každý den jsem se probouzela s očekáváním aspoň malého zlepšení. Očekávala jsem, že se bude moct trochu postarat o sebe nebo o holky, ale nemohl. Na začátku jsem si myslela, že nevidím, že je mu ve skutečnosti hůř, ale jen to, že se nezlepšuje. O týden později se lidé ptali, proč jsem nechtěla pomoct, ale upřímně jsem nečekala, že to bude takto trvat. Ta chřipka a ta bolest zubů. Kdo by to čekal?

So I am really sensitive right now to Sofia's cough/flu. Maybe 'sensitive' is an understatement. I know she most probably doesn't have Leukemia or cancer. I know EVERYONE has something right now. Rationally, I know this. It's just that this feeling is too familiar. The feeling of expecting it to get better with rest, liquids, drugs, prayer. The feeling of being disappointed and concerned when it doesn't. It's too scary. It's too complicated at the moment. I hate that she is sick on so many levels. I hate that she is missing preschool and all of the fun holiday festivities. I hate that she can't run and dance and play outside. and I really really hate that she can't visit Martin.

Momentálně jsem hodně citlivá na Sofiin kašel/chřipku. Možná citlivá je slabé slovo. Vím, že zřejmě nemá Leukémii nebo rakovinu. A vím, že KAŽDÝ je teď nemocný. Racionálně to vím. Jen ten pocit je tak známý. Ten pocit očekávání, že se to díky odpočinku, tekutinám, lékům a modliteb zlepší. Ten pocit zklamání a starostí, když se to nezlepšuje. Je to děsivé. A momentálně opravdu komplikované. Opravdu nesnáším, že je nemocná. Že nechodí do školky a na všechny ty zábavné věci ohledně svátků. Vadí mi, že nemůže běhat, tančit, a hrát si venku. A opravdu nesnáším, že nemůže jít navštívit Martina.

Honestly, tonight this is what consumes me, not Martin's cancer. I'm glad that Martin has had a good restful day in the hospital because I don't have the emotional space to care for both him and Sofia. I feel so limited. So thankful that the Lord cares for Sofia, Martin and I perfectly and completely. I'm so thankful that the Lord invites me to bring every worry to him because he cares for me so perfectly. I will definitely spend sometime doing that tonight, as I drink some ginger tea.

Upřímně tohle je to, co mě dnes večer ničí, ne Martinova rakovina. Jsem ráda, že měl Martin v nemocnici dobrý den plný odpočinku, protože já nemám takový emoční prostor na to, starat se o něj i o Sofiu. Cítím se tak omezená. Jsem vděčná, že Pán mě vyzývá abych mu odevzdala veškeré starosti, protože on se o mě perfektně stará. Rozhodně to dnes v noci udělám a taky vypiju nějaký zázvorový čaj.

I know that this is really hard on Martin. to be away from us during these kinds of times....he really is the care-giving type of father. He is the kind of father who would sit up with Sofia in the middle of the night when she can't sleep because she is coughing so badly. She would sleep better on his shoulder than anywhere else. I know it is hard for him to know that I have to navigate the doctors and pharmacies in my second language and make all of these decisions... we do almost all of these things together. I can do it, but it is hard and I'm not always so graceful. It feels like I am writing with my left hand.

Vím, že je to pro Martina těžké. Být od nás pryč v těchto chvílích. On je opravdu pečující otec. Je to otec, který si se Sofií sedne uprostřed noci když nemůže spát, protože tak moc kašle. Spí se ji lépe na jeho rameni než kdekoliv jinde. Vím, že je pro něj težké vědomí toho, že se s doktory radím o lécích a musím dělat veškerá rozhodnutí v druhém jazyce. Skoro všechny tyto věci děláme spolu. Zvládám to, ale je to těžké a nejsem vždy tak vděčná. Je to jako bych se snažila psát levou rukou.

Monika continues to be our angel, when I need to process this and think about what to do. She has offered to come with me to the doctors to help with Czech, which is a big relief. I think I am blaming myself for not communicating clearly enough...I mean 3 times in less than a week? That's not normal, is it?

Monika je nadále náš andílek, když potřebuju popřemýšlet o tom, co bude dál. Nabídla se, že se mnou zajde k lékaři a pomůže s češtinou, což je velká úleva. Myslím, že se obviňuju za to, že nekomunikuju dost jasně. Tři návštevy během týdne? To je normální ne?

Thankfully, I just had a 24-hour stomach flu and feel MUCH better today. No more nausea or throwing up and I can function normally. I'm so thankful for my mother in law who came yesterday and today to help with the girls and take care of us, before visiting Martin both days.

But I have a cough that is getting worse as well....

Naštěstí já jsem měla jen 24 – hodinovou střevní chřipku a dnes je to MNOHEM lepší. Žádné další zvracení a můžu zase normálně pracovat. Jsem vděčná za svou tchýni, která přišla včera a dnes aby pomohla s holkama a starala se o nás než půjde navštívit Martina.

Ale také mám kašel, který se zhoršuje..

Tomorrow, it's another round of doctor's visits for all (expect Mia!). Could ask for another round of prayers for the Hasik girls...and for Martin, of course. thank you!!

Zítra je další kolo návštěv lékařů pro všechny! (očekávejte Miu!) Můžu poprosit o další modlitky za holky Hasíkovi a za Martina.. Děkuji!

Thanks Vendy Brtnikova, for translation!!!!

*** just want to say that I wrote this on Sunday night. I will post an update soon. Thanks to all!

5 comments:

  1. Jane and Martin, i've been wanting to write this for weeks, actually since Martin got diagnosed with Leukemia, that he and you Jane and the girls are all in my and Dusan's prayers ... there is no single day that I would not think of your family and pray for you ... you guys are constantly in my prayers. I pray for Martin's complete healing, full recovery, protection from infections & other types of complications. Most importantly I pray for hope and no fear. May Jesus surround you with His arms of Peace and Love and Healing! Keep your heads up!!!Much love, Danca Drabinova and family

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jane, We are praying for wellness in your home so that you can all start visiting the hospital daily and participate more fully in God's restoring Martin's health over there. Go away coughs, flus, colds! A big hug to Sofia. A bigger one to you. Good health flood your home!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jane- so sorry to hear that you are dealing with so so much. It will not last forever, even though it feels like it will when you are up for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night. It is like newborn days all over again, and those didn't last forever either. I'm so glad you're feeling better and that you have friends to help you. Wish it would all clear up instantly for you- the leukemia especially. My mom was diagnosed with ALL...gosh...8 years ago now. It is a tough, tough road. Praying for you, from here in Virginia!
    -Katherine (Smith) Edwards

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Jane, I haven't commented till now but, here in Tanzania, we are thinking of you all and praying grace and healing and strength on every level. You are deeply loved--by friends, by family and, deeper even still, by a caring and all-powerful God. I know you already know this. May the love of friends and family manifest in practical ways. May the love of God manifest in healing for all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jane, please know that we are praying here in Madrid. As an encouragement about the cancer. I will celebrate 20 years from my first bout with cancer in January and celebrated 18 years from the second last month. When I consider what a gift life is, I'm overwhelmed. We just take it for granted. We're praying that the sickness at home will be gone and allow you all to focus on Martin. We love you. Jim and Barbara

    ReplyDelete